You are not alone –
why it helps to talk about loneliness
by Stephanie Hecke
It is a warm summer evening on the coast of Italy. I have spent the day cycling through olive groves, enjoying the view of the sea. Tired, happy, and hungry, I returned to the hotel, looking forward to dinner in the restaurant. A waiter greets me warmly – and hesitates. “Just for one person?” he asks, irritated. He leads me to a table for two and clears the second place setting opposite of me.
Normally, I enjoy eating in peace after a fulfilling day and letting my thoughts wander. But today is different. Around me are families, couples, groups of friends. There is laughter, toasting, conversation. I wish I had someone to listen to me, to laugh with and share the day’s experiences with. With every passing minute, I feel more uncomfortable, as if there is something wrong with me just because I am spending this holiday evening alone. I feel lonely among many. Lonely – in the midst of people.
What is loneliness?
Who isn’t familiar with loneliness? Loneliness is not the same as being alone. Being alone can be beneficial and a conscious choice—for example, when we need peace and quiet or time for ourselves. Loneliness, on the other hand, is a feeling. It describes the painful sensation of being emotionally separated from others—even when we are not alone. It arises when our need for closeness and connection is not fulfilled.
Loneliness is part of being human. It is one of our basic human emotions, just as we can feel sadness or deep joy.
In this sense, loneliness is an important signal: it makes it clear how much we humans depend on relationships – relationships in which we feel seen, heard, accepted and a sense of belonging. And it does not only affect those who live alone. Loneliness can also – or especially – affect us in the midst of relationships: in the hectic everyday life of a family, in a distant partnership, in a team where we feel misunderstood. It is precisely where we hope for understanding and closeness that loneliness hurts the most.
What if it’s my fault? The taboo of loneliness
Loneliness often feels like a personal failure. Many people affected believe that they are the only ones who feel this way—while everyone else has friends, family, and fulfilling relationships. Many who experience loneliness are ashamed of it. This is because loneliness is often equated with “not being good enough.” Loneliness gnaws at our self-esteem – it makes us doubt our lovability and significance. It touches on our fear of not being wanted or loved at all. But the opposite is true: those who feel lonely are sensitive to their own need for relationships. However, out of shame, many keep their experiences to themselves and withdraw. Loneliness is a taboo subject – and that is precisely what makes it so dangerous.
Loneliness has many faces
Millions of people in Germany feel lonely. Loneliness can affect anyone, regardless of age, gender, origin, or social status. However, there are phases in life when the risk of becoming lonely is higher. Two age groups are particularly at risk: young people who are searching for a sense of belonging, and older people whose social contacts often decline, but also people in transitional phases, after separations, when entering retirement, after a move, or the loss of a loved one. People who provide care—whether raising children or caring for relatives—are also particularly at risk of becoming lonely. Lack of time, social isolation, and emotional exhaustion make it difficult to build sustainable networks. People who are chronically ill, unemployed, or affected by poverty are also affected, as they are less able to participate in social life—which further increases their risk of becoming lonely. Loneliness is not a marginal phenomenon. It affects people of all ages and in all walks of life – and it affects more of us than we think.
You are a God who sees me
Loneliness hurts, and that’s no coincidence. We humans are social beings, created for relationships. Our network of relationships encompasses three dimensions: our connection to other people, to ourselves, and to God. For many believers, their relationship with God becomes a source of strength in times like these. Belief in a God who tells us, “I have created you wonderfully—you are wanted, loved, and unique,” can carry us through phases of loneliness.
And yet, even people of faith are not immune to loneliness. But faith can be a great source of support, allowing us to experience God’s closeness in silence, in prayer, in songs, or in meditation. It is not for nothing that the Spirit of God is described in the Bible as a companion and comforter.
I am particularly moved by the story of Hagar, the Egyptian slave who fled to the desert, lonely and desperate. There she encounters an angel. She then calls God: “You are a God who sees me.” (Genesis 16:13). What a powerful image! Even in our loneliness, we are seen, held, and cared for.
Making loneliness visible
A turning point for me was my involvement in an ecumenical initiative that organizes funeral services for people who have died without relatives. They had no one who would come to their funeral. We were all convinced that no one should walk the final path alone. Every person deserves a dignified farewell. I have often talked about these experiences—and was surprised how many people then told me about their own loneliness. People who are close to me, whom I would never have thought would also feel lonely from time to time.
This gave rise to a desire in me to talk actively about loneliness. To collect stories of loneliness. And to make it clear that loneliness is part of life—but it doesn’t have to define our whole life.
What helps against loneliness?
What helps against loneliness? Unfortunately, there is no quick fix that works for everyone. But small steps can make a big difference. Maybe today is the day to take that first step:
- Talk to someone about your loneliness. A friend, a counselor (also available via telephone counseling, by phone or chat), someone you trust—or God.
- Be attentive to others. Perhaps you know someone who has withdrawn. A phone call, a listening ear, a small gesture can mean a lot.
There is much more to say about loneliness: about the role of social media, the architecture of our cities, changes in housing, work, and relationships. But for today, perhaps this thought is enough: Overcoming loneliness begins with not hiding it, but talking about it. Talk about your loneliness – or listen to someone who talks about theirs. You are not alone. And you can show others that they are not alone either.
About the author: Stephanie Hecke, born in 1990, is a Protestant theologian and diaconal scholar. Since completing her training as a pastor, she has worked in the church, in diaconal ministry, and in diaconal scholarship. She currently serves as a consultant on theological policy issues in the office of the president of Diakonie Deutschland. Stephanie Hecke lives and works in Stuttgart and Berlin.
